Party Poop and the Disco Gallbladder

Party Poop and the Disco Gallbladder

Text conversations with my BFF…

 

me_sm_icon My body is revolting. In more ways than one. Blargh.
ang_icon What have you done

Please nothing over the top funny I’m in a lunch meeting with drug reps

me_sm_icon I can only think to blame it on two bowls of Fruity Pebbles for dinner last night, because that’s the only thing I’ve had in eons that contained food coloring.

I never know what’s going to be over the top funny. I’m just telling the stories of my life here!

Regardless, it involves poop and bright colors and hours of my life wasted while my legs atrophy and my ass grafts itself to the seat.

Enjoy your lunch, dear!

ang_icon Well I just didn’t want to burst out right in the middle of discussing valproic level

I’m sorry about your ass

me_sm_icon It’s multi-colored.
ang_icon Wtf?!?
me_sm_icon A little green… a little yellow… a little orange… a little red… seriously. It’s like party shit.
ang_icon ParTAY
me_sm_icon I started work at 10 this morning. I’ve been to the bathroom 4 times already.

I’m thinking maybe I just shouldn’t eat Fruity Pebbles anymore…

ang_icon OMG yes I wod go with that or that your gallbladder is having a disco session
me_sm_icon Ooh… disco gallbladder… all the little stones are wearing their best John Travolta wigs with painted-on buttcrack chins, dressed in sequined bellbottoms with bling accentuating their chest hair….
ang_icon See this this is the reason why I can’t be reading this while at a rep luncheon then all I’m going to be thinking about with be disco gall bladder

Thankfully I’m out now

me_sm_icon The disco gallbladder hadn’t even occurred to me. It was your brainchild. I just elaborated on it.
ang_icon I know but that’s the problem I have to reign the brain in from la la land to be serious
me_sm_icon But it’s so much more fun in our little la la land.
ang_icon I know and I’ve been so serious all day

Gah!!

There is this saying that goes where ever you head goes when you are off in your own world you should do that for a living. I’m not so sure we can make money being in our own little la la land

Cartooning maybe

me_sm_icon It’s called “Heart and Brain.”  Awkward Yeti already took that one.
ang_icon Fuck

Welp we’ll have to do something else

me_sm_icon Giant canvases. Roll around in paint. Throw ourselves dramatically at the canvas. It’s both art-art and performance art.

Then we use Sharpies to draw faces on the little paint splotches.

ang_icon YES!!!

Letterman will love us

This is why she’s my bestie. She gets me. <3

 

 

When Vajayjays Attack

When Vajayjays Attack

squidMy bestie was having a bad day yesterday and asked me to use my super powers of Google-fu to find something funny to cheer her up.  So I sent her this picture with the caption “When vajayjays attack…”

Being me with my eternal ability to take something stupid and make it infinitely stupider, I sent it while I was in the process of making doody in my building’s two-stall ladies room.  I was absolutely certain I was completely alone, and when I’m alone, I talk to myself.  A lot.  Sound effects and my own laugh track, mostly, but you get the idea.

Anyway, I sent the picture, and I’m sitting there doing my thing while making Tim the Enchanter hand motions (“nasty, big, pointy teeth”) and making a sound effect that I can only think to describe as an orgasming camel being eaten by a whale, when there came a voice from the next stall, “Are…you…okay?”

All my noises ceased.  I moved my foot to the far side of the commode so they couldn’t identify me by my shoes.  My butt clenched tighter than vice, and all semblance of poopage stopped completely.  It was two hours of belly cramps before my body relaxed enough to go back in there and finish business.

The moral of the story: ALWAYS double check the other stall BEFORE entertaining yourself by acting out a vagina squid attack complete with sound effects.

 

Hump Day Humor with the Hipster

Hump Day Humor with the Hipster

My Hipster is awesome – and not just because he managed to get us second row, center stage seating for Weird Al this spring (although that’s just one small example of how awesome he is… and how spoiled I am). This is what we did over our lunch hours today (yes, those are Facebook stickers… I’m probably violating some sort of FB terms of stickerdom, but the conversation doesn’t make sense without them). He makes me laugh like no one else. The guy who shares my office likely thinks I’m on drugs.

OddWoman: convo1
Hipster:  convo2
OddWoman: That is a very strange little half-cooked pig.
Hipster: Here’s the very strange one.

convo3

OddWoman:  Wow.  Eaten alive by an adorable puppy.
Hipster:  “It breaks my heart when you feed on my cooked half.”
Hipster:  convo4
OddWoman:  Don’t let the wagging tail and sparkly eyes fool you! That dog is a MONSTER!
Hipster:  Here comes the weirdest one.

convo5

OddWoman:  This is an absolutely horrifying sticker set!  So much brutality!
Hipster:  convo6
OddWoman:  Was this before or after the Simba tried to devour him?
Hipster:  Before, I should think.  Here’s the full order for the pig stickers:

convo7  convo3  convo8

OddWoman:  He was so affected mentally that he was reduced to a twitching nose picker, doomed to spend eternity in a solitary room at the state hospital, where the kitchen staff, who had never laid eyes upon the poor creature, were forever vexed by the lone patient who refused to eat pork products.
Hipster:  There are a lot of them that have “intolerance to pork ” on their charts.
OddWoman:  Makes you wonder how many of them are half-cooked pigs…